8 Celebrity Breakups That We’d Like For Christmas This Year
November 2, 2020
Last week I made a list of the celebrity dream couples that I’d really like to get together this Christmas, and in the spirit of being naughty as well as nice this holiday season, I’m writing the opposite post as well. That’s right everybody! That means I’m putting together a list of celebrity breakups that I hope Santa brings me this year. I’m the worst.
But hold on just a second, because for a lot of these couples, I’m betting you’ll actually agree with me. It’s not people like Benedict Cumberbatch or George Clooney whom I just want to be single so I have a theoretical crack at them — I’m not a monster. Instead, it’s pairs that don’t seem well-matched, where one person can quite obviously do better, or it seems like they’d be happier apart. In my mind, at least.
And yes, I’m fully aware that I don’t know any of these people, ergo this list is entirely subjective, and even a little mean! Just call me the A-List Relationship Grinch. ALRG (allergy!) for short.
1. Sean Penn and Charlize Theron
I’m super aware of Sean’s violent past, so I was shocked when he and Charlize got together…but even more shocked when they stayed together. Sean’s hours-long torture session on Madonna while she was tied up was a while ago, sure, but he’s had multiple run-ins with photographers since then. Bottom line — I hope you’ll forgive me if I don’t think he’s the best influence to be around Charlize’s three-year old son, Jackson.
2. Demi Lovato and Wilmer Valderrama
Girl! You can do so much better! Not only has Wilmer pretty much always had the reputation of a bit of a deadbeat, but he also tends to date way younger (at twenty-two to his thirty-four, Demi is no exception), and loves to kiss and tell. He hasn’t done much speaking out about Demi yet, thank goodness, but it also makes me wonder how much longer he’ll be with her without upgrading to a younger model. Beat him to the punch, Demi!
3. Bill and Camille Cosby
Oh man. How great would it be, for real, if Bill Cosby’s wife stopped standing by him in light of the resurgence of the many many rape allegations against him? It’ll never happen, because she’s stuck with him for this long, but dare to dream, right? It’s Christmas!
4. Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick
How many times do we have to watch Scott get carted off to rehab on Keeping Up With The Kardashians before Kourtney kicks him to the curb? Maybe she’s trying to get a whole beautiful little model family with him first? In which case the odds will get better as soon as she gets this third baby out of her belly. But regardless, she’s my favorite Kardashian — not like that’s a hard contest to win — so I need her to start acting like it.
5. Emma Roberts and Evan Peters
Even if you remembered that these two are engaged, you might have forgotten that Emma was arrested for domestic violence after getting physical with Evan during a fight. This is our reminder to you that that kind of aggression is never okay, whether it comes from a male or a female, and we’re honestly pretty surprised and disappointed that these two are still together.
6. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner
Guys. Come on. You can’t even manage to avoid lobbing insults at each other during separate interviews, so when are we gonna call this a day? There comes a point at which keeping it together for the kids the media is actually doing more harm than good. (In my humble opinion.)
7. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West
It’s been more than seventy-two days of marriage and we got the uber-adorable North West out of it, guys. I don’t think anyone would hold it against you at this point if you admitted that you’re both too in love with yourselves to be in love with anybody else. Ain’t no shame in a business deal, and I personally would be thrilled to know I was right all along.
8. Woody Allen and Soon-yi Previn
I’m fully aware that these two have been married for almost twenty years, but it gives me mouth-barfs every time I think about their relationship. Literally there is no part of their courtship or the accusations against Woody from his other daughter Dylan Farrow that doesn’t inspire a light vom.
So what do you think guys? Agree? Disagree? And did I miss anyone? Let me know!